How Your Anxiety Works, Why It Fails, and What To Do Instead of Worry

I talk a lot with people about anxiety. I call anxiety “the flowchart in your mind” because it takes you through the twists and turns of your imagination to anticipate every possible “wrong” or “bad” option and outcome that could happen. Sometimes, the flowchart works. Sure, you slept poorly ruminating on what to do and had stomach pain for months, but everything went smoothly –this time. Or, you studied harder than anyone else and despite being certain of failure, you actually did great on the test. Here’s the kicker, though: Anxiety will take credit for something going right and blame you for the unanticipated. Anxiety will absolutely throw you under the bus.

Many of us use anxiety as a risk management tool. If we can worry about it, we can avoid it. And that’s supposed to make us feel less…anxious? Right. Using anxiety to manage anxiety does not work. Sure, some of the time worrying our way through the flowchart of “if this happens, then that could happen” allows us to brace ourselves or plan for what feels like the inevitable Very Bad Thing.

The Nurturer

For many, worrying gets equated with nurturing and feels like taking responsibility. You worry because you care. You may also struggle with self-care and fall down a rabbit hole of worry when it comes to making decisions for yourself. The problem is, getting lost in the worry flowchart can lead to paralysis. What if you make the wrong choice or do the wrong thing? So, you worry more. Steeping oneself in cyclical worry is an unconscious attempt to convince yourself that you are actually doing something about your fears. The worry or anxiety, itself, feels like the way to safety. You might even feel like a bad person if you don’t worry. However, passive worry does not actually help others or the situation. Instead, worrying without ever taking action creates pressure and feeds the anxiety. I see this type of anxiety among those who easily admit to low self-esteem or find it hard to take care of themselves as much as others.

The Perfectionist

Another anxiety-prone personality type I often see is the perfectionist. These people are both “worriers” and “doers.” If this is you, working, cleaning, organizing, intense exercise and otherwise staying busy can be a way to physically expel your anxious energy, distract yourself from your feelings, and feel more in control of your fears. Your anxiety fuels a risk management assessment for any project, be it running a conference, planning a vacation, or cooking a meal. This is a great skill to have and one of the “gifts” of this type of anxiety. It contributes to your high performance levels and self-confidence. Perfectionism, however, is also a tool to avoid feeling disappointment, criticism, uncertainty or fear. Perfectionism proves your worth. Perfectionism keeps you safe. In other words, Type A people use a version of the anxiety flowchart (worry expressed through doing) to manage anxious energy and avoid the vulnerability of uncomfortable emotions. Again, this works much of the time – except when it doesn’t.

When Anxiety Is Rational

If you're someone who has a trauma history, is currently experiencing abuse, or has experienced extreme life challenges, feeling anxious is a rational reaction. Feeling anxious about what might happen when bad things have is natural. It's important, however, to look at the difference between a reaction (anxiety) and a response (what you do to address the situation once you've had the reaction.) Getting mired in the anxiety is not going to help you. Taking action, such as finding a good psychotherapist who understands trauma or making a plan to get yourself to safety, will help you, even if it's scary. If you are experiencing domestic violence of any kind, I list some resources for you at the end of this article. If you need to find a therapist, you can refer to my article, How To Choose a Therapist.

Greater Anxiety ≠ Greater Control

One of the beautiful (and terrifying) things about life is that you’re not in charge. This is the magic in synchronicities, unanticipated opportunities, and surprise blessings. Worrying cannot guarantee the desired outcome. It’s impossible to anticipate absolutely everything because systems sometimes go off rail (Remember Covid distribution chains?), you get stuck in traffic, there’s a flood, someone uninvited shows up, you didn’t get the message, and those damn people out there have free will. You cannot possibly think of everything because you’re human, not omnipotent. If it were your job to forecast and shape what was coming at all times… Well, that’s certainly a job designed to make you feel like a failure!

This is where I typically hear people hold themselves to a different standard from others. You might accept that other people can’t anticipate everything or avoid all “negative” outcomes. But applying that concept to yourself brings up intense uneasiness. Your mind understands the impossibility of predicting and managing everything, but you can’t step away from the anxiety flowchart. (If you’re someone who journals or is in therapy, this is something you might explore there.)

Some Ways to Work With Your Anxiety

It’s at this point usually I bring up a thing I say ad nauseam about the information carried in your feelings. And the last thing you want to do is feel your anxiety, which can literally make you nauseous. Can you take a breath (or five) and try to make space inside yourself for your anxiety. I am not saying to torture yourself and wallow in your anxiety. Try to notice it with curiosity for a few moments and allow it to just be. It may feel uncomfortable, but it won’t hurt you. The more you practice this, the easier it gets. The goal is not perfection. The goal is to practice noticing your anxiety, what it’s telling you, and what other emotions it might be covering up (e.g., vulnerability, fear, shame, sadness.)

If you suffer from anxiety, it means you really care about something. Anxiety can teach you incredible assessment, planning, and risk management skills. Looking beneath your anxiety can shine a light on what’s important to you. But you also shouldn’t just live with the stress and suffering it can create. Here are a few things to consider:

• Not everyone has access to psychotherapy. However, if you can see a therapist, learning to manage the scale of your anxiety and why you have this tendency is worth it. (Talking with a friend can alleviate occasional worry, but it is not the same as therapy. If you suffer from chronic anxiety, I recommend individual or group therapy, or other approaches.)
• Before you ask your doctor for anti-anxiety medications, know that many of them are easily habit forming. Some “anxiolytic” drugs are best used occasionally as emergency medications if you’re prone to anxiety attacks. I call them “purse medications” because many people carry a tablet in their purse or wallet and just knowing it’s there keeps them from ever needing it. It’s important to discuss this with your doctor.
• Journaling about your feelings and life can actually provide relief and insight.
• Regular exercise is a free anxiety-management approach. Studies have shown it to be as effective as medication.
• Quiet time in nature is good for the nervous system.
• The “M” word – meditation – is helpful for managing anxiety and stress. There are many types of meditation, including ones based in movement, like “mindfulness” meditation, walking meditation, or even Tai Chi. YouTube has probably thousands of videos on various kinds of meditation. Apps like Headspace or Calm (and many others — I’m not endorsing anything!) contain guided meditations. You can read books about meditation, and there may be a meditation group in your community. Find something that works for you.
• Examining your diet for anxiety-fueling foods (including caffeine, refined carbs, sugar and alcohol) can also help you to feel better. If you have an emotional response to this suggestion, it’s particularly worth examining.

No online information or book is a replacement for psychotherapy. However, gaining some understanding about why you have anxiety, how it functions for you, and how you might work with it is a good place to start.

Resources for Safety

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224) is open 24/7 and is anonymous. Their website says that the hotline is for anyone involved in or concerned about abusive dynamics in a relationship: "Some people who reach out to us identify as survivors of abuse, some as concerned friends or family members, and some as abusive partners seeking to change themselves."  
• The 988 Lifeline is "a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in the United States." Simply dial 988 from any phone.

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Amra Stafford, PsyD
Dr. Amra Stafford is a psychotherapist, writer and teacher living in Tucson, Arizona. You can find her at dramrastafford.com.

Note: This content is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. I cannot respond to personal requests for advice over the internet.